The Scarlett World

Clearly he was a muffin man. Damn it, I always knew it. But oh well, clearly I’m human. I wish I could be Sabrina de Lancoir again. It was all so good back then. We were immortal, powerful, and when night fell, we could always find some arms to fall on. It was so easy back then. We hardly ever cried, we hardly ever worried about anything. We used to spend hours in that beach, just looking at the sea. We used to talk about science, and love, and arts, and love. I guess we can say we fell in love there. Watching the sun set in the sea, living like gypsies and smoking tea. Playing stupid games and kissing under the palm trees. We thought we could go on forever like that. We all still keep our sacred names. Would it be any different if Nathalie was still alive? Maybe. I’m sure Flavio would not have his love delusions, and Catherine will not be swearing that she is going to kill him, or her. Maybe, we could still be a family, but then again.

I thought Bernard could take me back to that state, of pure joy, of no worries, of intelligent conversations in the beach. Of dinners by the pool and candle light. Of cutting class to go to the movies. Or to the beach, or to a house, or just to a cafe. I guess that bloody island was almost like paradise. We were all so happy. Fate is sometimes cruel, and now I’m missing Bernard so much.  I really thought the sun shine was up his ass. I really thought this could last. Dreams are so fragile, so ephemeral. Maybe I should forget the name of Sabrina, but what about the memories? The happiest days of our lives, they are tied to those names. If I forget Sabrina, I will forget the joy and love I once had. Love that I also thought could last forever.

Maybe that’s our mistake, to think that love can last forever.

Came in as no-one
Leaving as someone powerless
You were the sole one
Helpless you were alone

Left him for to grow
Untainted by his shadow
Blamed him not for it all
Just too well learned a man to fall

I want to get by
I want to return
I want you to fly
Only bitterness burnt

How do I get there?
How do I pass?
How could you leave
Without looking back?

Heard all you had to say
Though it changes not a thing today
Forgiveness is so much to ask
When findings re-write the past.

Bernard and I started dating two years ago. We met in London, we were there for the holidays. His father and me father are good friends, and they decided to take both families to London. Well, he was the only kid my age, so we spent a lot of time together, and we fell in love.

I still remember our first kiss, it was in Trafalgar Square. It was the last Sunday of our holidays, and me and my family were flying back the following day. He was staying for another week. It was so sweet, so shy, yet sweet. I’ve never had good relationships, and I really thought this could be a good one. He was so sweet. Anyways, when I returned to Buenos Aires, I knew I was in love with him. and for a week, I tried to quiet the feelings, thinking that it was just a crush. After the events on the island, I’ve had a lot of crushes. But I was aching so much to see him. Also I was reading Brave New World, and every time I came across his name, the world was brighter and I melted.

Then he returned and when we saw the next day at school, I told him what I felted, and he said he loved me too. Since that day, my hand almost never left his. Every Friday, he gave me a red rose, saying he wanted to return me some of my own light. He was so sweet. One month after we began dating, we had sex for the first time, no, not sex, we made love. It was the sweetest night of my life. I remember the way he looked me in the eye and said he loved me. I’ve never felt so much pleasure in my life. I came four times. Then I fell asleep on his arms.

And for two years, I had roses, and I made love to a man I loved. And for two years, the stars seemed to be brighter, and I always felt it was spring when I was by his side. I have always been a spring girl.

Then, a week ago, he asked me out. I thought it was just another date, but he took me to cafe, and he was looking weird. Then he ordered me and Irish coffee, and when it came, he looked me in the eye and said: “I’m sorry Scarlett, but I can’t do this anymore. I don’t love you anymore, I don’t want you to call me, or to search for me. I’m sorry, I know it hurts, but I can’t. It is for the best. Goodbye” And then he left without looking back. I was in shock, it took me nearly ten minutes to understand what he said. Then I cried, and cried, and I ran home. I have not seen him since then. He is going away now. And I am hear, crying over a keyboard, writing this for eyes that I do not know.

God, the pain is so vast. I feel like dying, it feels just like Nathalie. Maybe worst.

Fuck Bernard, what happened? Please if you read this, please tell me what happened, tell me what did I do.

He sails away as my tears fall. He is gone. Gone, baby, gone. I guess it is my fault. I just want to cry. I’m feeling so alone and so sad. He was everything to me, and I’m afraid I ruined it all.

It is so sad to start a blog with sad words, but, well, sadness has always suited me well.

I miss my freind. She is also gone. Four years this May. Guess we all miss her. Flavio must be devastated. I think I should talk to him, well, I’m sure he will find this sooner or later. Please, bro, don’t read what comes next, not before June. I’m just afraid, I don’t want to hurt you.

She was so cool. I miss her, she always knew how to make me smile. I must forgive my brother. We all knew it was foolish when he made his oath, I think no one then thought he would keep it. But, well, I guess I over reacted when he did it. When he broke that oath. I should forgive him, but it is hard, we all felt betrayed.

Bernard is gone, not like Nathalie, but almost the same. I never thought I could miss someone so much. But I miss two. Hello cruel world, I guess I’ll introduce with a broken heart.

Voilá, Scarlett Murphy, aka Sabrina de Lancoir.

Why do we still use those names?